Its been a while since the last time I posted. This has mainly been due to a lack of creative juice, or a lack of time...or a lack of energy to spend the time to write down my thoughts (ironic how they all compound on one another).
Its been almost a year since the last time that I did this. And despite my honest effort to document my journey through this time of change and development in my life, I admit that I pretty much failed to do that. Between catching up with friends, working on original research, and trying to enjoy the little moments of alone time, it just slipped through the cracks....but its 8:16am on a Sat....and I am tired of reading articles - and I needed a break!
I am graduating in less than 5 months and what seemed like a long time - has finally caught up with me. Assuming everything goes as planned I will be walking across a stage in May to shake the hand of a President I have never met and receive an accomplishment that I truly worked my ass off for.
In preparation, I have been trying to work on my requirements to get me there...to that point. I have been deeply wading through articles upon articles on emotions in the workplace, the performance of emotional labor, and the possible and probable outcomes of stress and burn out. And maybe its because its so darn early in the morning, or maybe its because I am genuinely feelings the pangs of stress - but I can actually see how these studies are playing out currently in my life.
Emotional labor deals with the masking of emotions with a "fake" or "prescribed" emotion in the place of actual felt emotions (e.g. flight attendants acting happy when they are obviously NOT). This can lead to a psychological outcome of confusion or a dissonance between felt and expressed emotions. This dissonance that I speak of then lends to a disassociation or depersonalization with the work that is being done. And sequentially, this leads to burnout, stress, or eventual organizational exit.
A lot of the research I am currently trying to madly skim is conducted on customer service agents, flight attendants, or human service personnel. But as I am sitting here, I cant help but relate it to me and what I am going through...
Grad school is work + Grad school is a "great learning opportunity" (not always felt) + Grad school is demanding = BURNOUT & STRESS
Phrases like:
* Don't get bogged down with the little stuff
* Its the journey not the destination
* This is an opportunity that not everyone gets....so you need to feel grateful
Lead to expectations of:
* Better time management
* Unparalleled learning and career opportunities
* Forever indebted to this experience
Yet reality is:
* Sleepless nights - which leads to sickness due to extreme bouts of STRESS
* Constant worry about expectations of professors or myself not being met
* Lack of eating good foods and good exercise (due to sitting in front of said computer)
* Crossed fingers for a job right out of grad school to pay down debt accrued from grad program
.....so its no surprise that according to research emotional work "takes a certain kind of person" with the "strong ability to communicate effectively and adequately maneuver interpersonal situations" and that "support is garnered from coworkers" as they are able to relate to the specific situation. Yet at times "employees can get disenchanted with their work due to the expectations of the organization placed on the employee" and many may consider "exiting the organization due to the inability to express emotions" that accurately describe how they feel on a day to day basis. More research must be conducted on "several different occupations, and not just those in the service industry"....because the reality of the topic is that anything that anyone cares about can be considered emotional work and require emotional labor - and in my case all of these quoted phrases remind me of grad school.
So maybe, using this blog to vent at times, or being realistic about what I need to accomplish not what I should be accomplishing in a set amount of time is the way that I push through this last semester of what might very well test me to the limit.
Yet, please don't get me wrong, please do NOT think that I am giving up! Think of this as more of an epiphany...realizing that communication and emotions are intrinsically linked to everything is society and it is the blessing that I have the ability to critically analyze and apply these concepts directly to TODAY and to myself in the hopes of one day using it in my future job to deter someone from quitting OR to even lend an understanding and educated ear to a fellow employee, coworker, or friend in an effort to make sense of the everyday chaos in our daily lives.
For it is the utter chaos that we all experience which eventually breeds creativity and a whole new order and meaning behind our life.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, April 18, 2011
I think I've hit a proverbial wall...
I knew that when I started this journey that I would be tested. I knew that when I uprooted my life and moved 1500 miles away, it would be difficult to start anew and I knew this experience would at times bend me so far that I would feel like I wanted to break. So then why is it so frustrating when I knew that all of this would happen?
When I left Western, one of my colleagues said that the first year of grad school they all tell you that you know nothing, and then in the second year they all tell you that you are brilliant....why does this feel so far away from the truth. I feel like every semester I get under my belt, the worse I feel about my abilities as a student and the more I question my decision to "drop my life" and "try something new to better myself." I am definitely not one to admit my intelligence, since I never really think I am the smartest person in the classroom, but I feel like for classmates its so easy....so easy to think beyond the box and develop evocative questions and comments that push the conversation forward and essentially move the discipline to another level. Why am I not like them?
I know most people are thinking, "oh come on now, you are trying your best!"...but right now, the best isn't what is working for me. I read, I write, I read some more, and I try to participate with the knowledge and experience I have....yet it all seems to be judged (in grades and comments) as not sufficient...makes me think, why did I decide to do this? Why did I decide to voluntarily subject myself to criticism for projects, and papers, and plans of study.....why?
So yes, this is a venting and negative session. A time, where I find myself figuratively hitting my head against a wall that I can't seem to break through. I do this because I don't want to give up, and I do this because I want to prove that I can do this...despite what I feel like right now, right this instance. But its a huge wall, that feels thick ,and while I hope that this feeling will pass, I don't know if it will....why do I always second guess my decisions regardless of them....why can I not feel confident in my choices regardless of what people think? Why can I not be happy with what this choice has done for me....why am I being so negative recently?
Its been a rough couple of weeks, with eye opening realizations in a very realistic fashion. I guess one of the benefits of this blog is the ability to get it "out" of me and onto something else where I can read and re-read it to eventually make sense of my own emotions. We are studying embodied writing, where the writer incorporates analysis and layers accounts of what is actually happening in their own heads into the article...where the reader literally realizes what they are trying to say while they write on the page. I know that I am not that good, but maybe, after some serious thought I too can look at this and analyze where I am in my journey and maybe even where I see myself going. Gosh, I just wish that I knew where I was going and that it was going to be ok, that despite all the uncertainty and the rejection that I have felt recently for education that there is a light at the end of the tunnel....i think this is called growing pains....i don't know how else to label it...no scholarly language here....
Enough pessimism for now...try to look for the good, for the silver lining. Time to try to refocus as the semester isn't over and we still got three of the hardest weeks ahead of me. Time to re-frame my thoughts and come up with realistic expectations and STOP comparing myself to others...this is my journey....and no one else's.....leave it alone Dale....let the pieces fall where they land....don't allow yourself to be judged....breathe, cuz its gotta be alright...I got another year of this ish.....
When I left Western, one of my colleagues said that the first year of grad school they all tell you that you know nothing, and then in the second year they all tell you that you are brilliant....why does this feel so far away from the truth. I feel like every semester I get under my belt, the worse I feel about my abilities as a student and the more I question my decision to "drop my life" and "try something new to better myself." I am definitely not one to admit my intelligence, since I never really think I am the smartest person in the classroom, but I feel like for classmates its so easy....so easy to think beyond the box and develop evocative questions and comments that push the conversation forward and essentially move the discipline to another level. Why am I not like them?
I know most people are thinking, "oh come on now, you are trying your best!"...but right now, the best isn't what is working for me. I read, I write, I read some more, and I try to participate with the knowledge and experience I have....yet it all seems to be judged (in grades and comments) as not sufficient...makes me think, why did I decide to do this? Why did I decide to voluntarily subject myself to criticism for projects, and papers, and plans of study.....why?
So yes, this is a venting and negative session. A time, where I find myself figuratively hitting my head against a wall that I can't seem to break through. I do this because I don't want to give up, and I do this because I want to prove that I can do this...despite what I feel like right now, right this instance. But its a huge wall, that feels thick ,and while I hope that this feeling will pass, I don't know if it will....why do I always second guess my decisions regardless of them....why can I not feel confident in my choices regardless of what people think? Why can I not be happy with what this choice has done for me....why am I being so negative recently?
Its been a rough couple of weeks, with eye opening realizations in a very realistic fashion. I guess one of the benefits of this blog is the ability to get it "out" of me and onto something else where I can read and re-read it to eventually make sense of my own emotions. We are studying embodied writing, where the writer incorporates analysis and layers accounts of what is actually happening in their own heads into the article...where the reader literally realizes what they are trying to say while they write on the page. I know that I am not that good, but maybe, after some serious thought I too can look at this and analyze where I am in my journey and maybe even where I see myself going. Gosh, I just wish that I knew where I was going and that it was going to be ok, that despite all the uncertainty and the rejection that I have felt recently for education that there is a light at the end of the tunnel....i think this is called growing pains....i don't know how else to label it...no scholarly language here....
Enough pessimism for now...try to look for the good, for the silver lining. Time to try to refocus as the semester isn't over and we still got three of the hardest weeks ahead of me. Time to re-frame my thoughts and come up with realistic expectations and STOP comparing myself to others...this is my journey....and no one else's.....leave it alone Dale....let the pieces fall where they land....don't allow yourself to be judged....breathe, cuz its gotta be alright...I got another year of this ish.....
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I think we're all growing up...moving on....
Since the start of grad school, the journey till the end and what that will mean for me has always been on my mind. I kind of miss the point and rarely stop to admire a sunset or smell a damn rose as much as I used to, but in this life, I don't always think that it offers time to do that. We are forced to make choices, decide on pre-planned paths, and figure out our futures way before we even get a taste of what that future might look and feel like. At the same time, I know that its always been like this...choose where you want to go to college, what do you want to major in, what do you want to do with that major, where do you want to work, etc. and yet, the notion of choosing my path has always been somewhat of a spontaneous decision, happening only after being shoved against a wall and literally forced to make a choice against a deadline that passed just moments ago. Is this the right way to live? Should I have my life planned, moment by moment? Even if the answer was yes to that, I don't honestly know how to do that.
Thankfully, this phenomenon doesn't solely rest in me. It seems to be penetrating everyone's life around me. Friends making relationship decisions - do I date him? will people judge me if I date him? do I want him to live with me?, job decisions, location decisions - all decisions that we are supposed to know how to make, before knowing the consequences. So we think...and ponder....and talk to people to get answers. But does this help or hurt the situation?
I think I find myself keeping more things about problems and successes secret in my life. Gone are the days where sharing grades on papers happened immediately after getting them and telling girlfriends the most intimate details of my love life. We are now separated by social judgement, socially constructed society expectations, space, and ironically time. In an age where everything happens almost instantly online, I find myself only looking for people going through the same thing via status updates and not taking the time to talk, but rather "liking" a status and mentally hoping for the best for myself and well as my fb friend. What does this mean? Where did the intimate-ness of connection get lost in the shuffle?
I know everyone has their own life, and sometimes, people and feelings get caught up in the complication of life, but I miss the coffee break time, the letters in the mail, the hours of phone conversations - specifically for fun and not only utilized in times of crisis. Its almost as if people don't care or don't have time or are too tired to talk about LIFE, and dreams and aspirations....its all about boys, problems with family/work/dumbpeople, and crisis - I miss the times when I used to make jewelry for prom at my house with my friends who would stop by after school daily just to "hang out."
I guess in the consumerist and democratic and elite-est society that we live in, this is ok. This is just another phase of life where I have to act like a big girl...and keep walking, stepping over failed bodies to get one step closer to the prize of success.
In a world where decisions have to be made months in advance, how are you even expected to savor the moment, when you have been preparing for the moment for months? The moment goes by even before it gets here, and now its just another day preparing for another decision. And maybe that's why savoring has turned into relief and relief is fleeting if only for a few seconds.
I can't change the entire world and I cant influence what people do. I know am only the master of my domain, meaning that I can't rely on people to agree with my decisions or opinions and I can't force people to make connections, face reality, or see what I see. I can only be here....present in my own world and for those that choose to be a part of it. I guess, in the end - we're all growing up, moving on, and doing the best we can do with decisions we made...maybe I wish that it was different.
Thankfully, this phenomenon doesn't solely rest in me. It seems to be penetrating everyone's life around me. Friends making relationship decisions - do I date him? will people judge me if I date him? do I want him to live with me?, job decisions, location decisions - all decisions that we are supposed to know how to make, before knowing the consequences. So we think...and ponder....and talk to people to get answers. But does this help or hurt the situation?
I think I find myself keeping more things about problems and successes secret in my life. Gone are the days where sharing grades on papers happened immediately after getting them and telling girlfriends the most intimate details of my love life. We are now separated by social judgement, socially constructed society expectations, space, and ironically time. In an age where everything happens almost instantly online, I find myself only looking for people going through the same thing via status updates and not taking the time to talk, but rather "liking" a status and mentally hoping for the best for myself and well as my fb friend. What does this mean? Where did the intimate-ness of connection get lost in the shuffle?
I know everyone has their own life, and sometimes, people and feelings get caught up in the complication of life, but I miss the coffee break time, the letters in the mail, the hours of phone conversations - specifically for fun and not only utilized in times of crisis. Its almost as if people don't care or don't have time or are too tired to talk about LIFE, and dreams and aspirations....its all about boys, problems with family/work/dumbpeople, and crisis - I miss the times when I used to make jewelry for prom at my house with my friends who would stop by after school daily just to "hang out."
I guess in the consumerist and democratic and elite-est society that we live in, this is ok. This is just another phase of life where I have to act like a big girl...and keep walking, stepping over failed bodies to get one step closer to the prize of success.
In a world where decisions have to be made months in advance, how are you even expected to savor the moment, when you have been preparing for the moment for months? The moment goes by even before it gets here, and now its just another day preparing for another decision. And maybe that's why savoring has turned into relief and relief is fleeting if only for a few seconds.
I can't change the entire world and I cant influence what people do. I know am only the master of my domain, meaning that I can't rely on people to agree with my decisions or opinions and I can't force people to make connections, face reality, or see what I see. I can only be here....present in my own world and for those that choose to be a part of it. I guess, in the end - we're all growing up, moving on, and doing the best we can do with decisions we made...maybe I wish that it was different.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Happy End of the Year and Welcome 2011
Its the end, and its been a year of transformation for a lot of people in my life. My father retired, a number of my students are getting ready to graduate in June, I left my job in Washington and moved to San Diego to pursue what I thought was going to be an easier life change, and my sister traveled around the world in a mere few months to finish up research for her PhD program....yes people 2010 has been a crazy year!
I was looking at this blog and realized that I only contributed one entry in this month, and felt and urgent need to add one more entry in before the new year and the craziness of another year starts....So to recap, I think I feel old. A number of my friends are getting married, or having kids, or buying actual houses, and the time that we used to have together consists of board games where we hope from square to square instead of hopping from bar to bar. Gosh how times have changed, 10pm is late, where 10pm used to be the time that we thought about going out and what to wear, and while we all cringe at the idea, the next year holds a 10 year high school reunion....yes its been 10 years!
Times are not as easy as I remember, I have bills now, and student loans to take care of. Yet, I feel like I have more power over my own life, making decisions that will inevitably choose one path or another. There are other things that I don't think I have power over, friends and family that are drifting away and moving in different directions and time and space creating gaps which were once filled with get-togethers, but I guess that is a fact of life, and as always there will be friends for the moment and friends that will always be there regardless of how often you keep in contact or how far away you are apart.
Change is the only constant, and if you are an optimist, change is always good. I like to think of myself as an optimist, so I am going to go with that. Change mixes things up and ultimately makes things more interesting. Here is a single shout out to all those that have helped me make this year a year of influential and dramatic change for myself as well as those close to me! I hope that you all will have a fantastic start to 2011 and that things will continue to change as it is all about the journey and not the destination!
Bye Bye 2010, Hello 2011!
I was looking at this blog and realized that I only contributed one entry in this month, and felt and urgent need to add one more entry in before the new year and the craziness of another year starts....So to recap, I think I feel old. A number of my friends are getting married, or having kids, or buying actual houses, and the time that we used to have together consists of board games where we hope from square to square instead of hopping from bar to bar. Gosh how times have changed, 10pm is late, where 10pm used to be the time that we thought about going out and what to wear, and while we all cringe at the idea, the next year holds a 10 year high school reunion....yes its been 10 years!
Times are not as easy as I remember, I have bills now, and student loans to take care of. Yet, I feel like I have more power over my own life, making decisions that will inevitably choose one path or another. There are other things that I don't think I have power over, friends and family that are drifting away and moving in different directions and time and space creating gaps which were once filled with get-togethers, but I guess that is a fact of life, and as always there will be friends for the moment and friends that will always be there regardless of how often you keep in contact or how far away you are apart.
Change is the only constant, and if you are an optimist, change is always good. I like to think of myself as an optimist, so I am going to go with that. Change mixes things up and ultimately makes things more interesting. Here is a single shout out to all those that have helped me make this year a year of influential and dramatic change for myself as well as those close to me! I hope that you all will have a fantastic start to 2011 and that things will continue to change as it is all about the journey and not the destination!
Bye Bye 2010, Hello 2011!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I'm DONE, Oh my gosh - I am freakin DONE!
Its funny you know: when people told me that starting this blog, while a great idea, was absolutely ridiculous since they posited (my new favorite grad school word) I wouldn't have time to keep up with it. In true Dale fashion of course I scoffed in their faces!
...and yeah - a month and some change later (I would prefer not to be specific) I am writing my first blog for the month of December about the end of my first semester of grad school. Its amazing what a little perspective can do for ya!
So, to recap - its been probably one of the most challenging things I have ever done to date. Yes this beats getting over homesickness when I moved to WA and then to OR, and starting a new job(s) with a high learning curve, and it also beats the many break-ups that I have gone through in my life (even the one's I swore I would die from). This endeavor has tested me academically, mentally, and socially. And while I understand that eventually this will pay off, I also sympathize with the side of me that wonders why I decided to voluntarily put myself through academic hell in the hopes of opening my eyes to education again and advancing my life in some measurable way with those stupid two letters after my name. Its a tricky balance for someone to manage as they sit for hours in front of a computer and type and read and type and read.
The feelings of doubt started when I had a mental break down. Yeah. This happened early on the morning of Black Friday, and for those of you that know me, that was NOT the time to feel like curling in a ball and rocking back and forth like a person stuck in rehab. No, it was not the most opportune time to regret my decisions and wonder why any school accepted me in the first place. No, it was NOT the time to do this because I needed to be in a mall, standing in a line, to get something (I didn't know what at the time) for a damn good deal - not crying on the floor of a bedroom asking myself "why???". But as luck would have it, I was, on the floor wondering if I would even survive to the end of the quarter.
Thank goodness for boyfriends and hugs and promises of therapeutic shopping. Yes, he stayed up with me, and wiped the tears from my face, and promised me that if I wanted to, we could leave this place and start somewhere new. He promised me that I would be ok, and that even if it didn't seem like it now, that I would get everything done, on time, and he PROMISED that he would help. I still cried, and cried, and cried for about 2 straight hours, because that was all I could do. Sit motionless and let it all out. And then, like a good little shopper, I got up - took a shower, and had my lovely boyfriend convince me that shopping was actually going to make me feel better...so I obliged and got in our rental and shopped for the next 6 hours. This was truly retail therapy.
The next couple of weeks are a blur. Mostly sitting in our apartment, working on one paper or another, or in the library checking out books, or getting ready to present, submit, or meet with a group member, is all that made sense to me at the time. I learned to time manage in a different way....by setting higher goals and expecting more out of myself than I ever thought possible. I kept telling myself, write 10 pages today, get it down, then worry about editing it later....10 pages....then read...10 pages....and then you can take a nap. I admit that I was never a slacker during my undergraduate years, always trying to get things done early so I would have time to edit and perfect - but this experience wasn't exactly like that, and now I know otherwise. I don't think you are ever AHEAD in graduate school, I think that there's only ON-TIME in graduate school.
I also believe in the phrase misery loves company more than ever now. And as much as I hate to admit it, it was so nice to hear that others were having a hard time, it was so nice to notice that everyone had bags under their eyes, it was comforting to talk to people as literally EVERYONE stressed about getting things in on-time, not early, but submitting with 1 minute to spare, or printing things off right before walking into class hoping that APA, and grammar, and blahblahblah, was correct. This is not a path for the weak, it showed me that it was a challenge for everyone.
And the finally, at exactly 6:17pm on Monday, December 13th, I was DONE! Done with classes for the semester, done with presentations, done with finals, and it was a relief. Like a Holy S*** I cant believe I made it though this crap type of relief!...and thus why I finally have time to blog, to breathe, to sleep - and its amazing! :)
So yes, this blog thing might have been a slightly bigger task than I imagined...and I apologize for not updating on a more regular basis (though I did think about it at times when I didn't want to write about something for class, but I restrained myself) - but...I don't think I am going to regret it. In fact, I hope that when I am stressed out at work one day...I will look at this and once again think the grass is greener on this side - and then realize that its not, its the same green grass with small brown spots that at times gets your heels dirty because it rained the night before and you never realized it. The same grass that is comfy at times and horribly itchy at others..the same space where you sit and contemplate what would my life be like if I wasn't doing this, and instead did that.....
So thank you to all those that followed my struggles, and video g-chatted with me, and talked on the phone, and emailed back and forth. I truly believe that continuously venting is better than bottling it all up. I also love knowing that I have people literally all over that are cheering me on...no matter how desperate my status (on facebook and in real life) is.
In 6 days or so, I will be home...and I will truly appreciate it because I needed it this time and probably every other time....because its always so nice to come home.
...and yeah - a month and some change later (I would prefer not to be specific) I am writing my first blog for the month of December about the end of my first semester of grad school. Its amazing what a little perspective can do for ya!
So, to recap - its been probably one of the most challenging things I have ever done to date. Yes this beats getting over homesickness when I moved to WA and then to OR, and starting a new job(s) with a high learning curve, and it also beats the many break-ups that I have gone through in my life (even the one's I swore I would die from). This endeavor has tested me academically, mentally, and socially. And while I understand that eventually this will pay off, I also sympathize with the side of me that wonders why I decided to voluntarily put myself through academic hell in the hopes of opening my eyes to education again and advancing my life in some measurable way with those stupid two letters after my name. Its a tricky balance for someone to manage as they sit for hours in front of a computer and type and read and type and read.
The feelings of doubt started when I had a mental break down. Yeah. This happened early on the morning of Black Friday, and for those of you that know me, that was NOT the time to feel like curling in a ball and rocking back and forth like a person stuck in rehab. No, it was not the most opportune time to regret my decisions and wonder why any school accepted me in the first place. No, it was NOT the time to do this because I needed to be in a mall, standing in a line, to get something (I didn't know what at the time) for a damn good deal - not crying on the floor of a bedroom asking myself "why???". But as luck would have it, I was, on the floor wondering if I would even survive to the end of the quarter.
Thank goodness for boyfriends and hugs and promises of therapeutic shopping. Yes, he stayed up with me, and wiped the tears from my face, and promised me that if I wanted to, we could leave this place and start somewhere new. He promised me that I would be ok, and that even if it didn't seem like it now, that I would get everything done, on time, and he PROMISED that he would help. I still cried, and cried, and cried for about 2 straight hours, because that was all I could do. Sit motionless and let it all out. And then, like a good little shopper, I got up - took a shower, and had my lovely boyfriend convince me that shopping was actually going to make me feel better...so I obliged and got in our rental and shopped for the next 6 hours. This was truly retail therapy.
The next couple of weeks are a blur. Mostly sitting in our apartment, working on one paper or another, or in the library checking out books, or getting ready to present, submit, or meet with a group member, is all that made sense to me at the time. I learned to time manage in a different way....by setting higher goals and expecting more out of myself than I ever thought possible. I kept telling myself, write 10 pages today, get it down, then worry about editing it later....10 pages....then read...10 pages....and then you can take a nap. I admit that I was never a slacker during my undergraduate years, always trying to get things done early so I would have time to edit and perfect - but this experience wasn't exactly like that, and now I know otherwise. I don't think you are ever AHEAD in graduate school, I think that there's only ON-TIME in graduate school.
I also believe in the phrase misery loves company more than ever now. And as much as I hate to admit it, it was so nice to hear that others were having a hard time, it was so nice to notice that everyone had bags under their eyes, it was comforting to talk to people as literally EVERYONE stressed about getting things in on-time, not early, but submitting with 1 minute to spare, or printing things off right before walking into class hoping that APA, and grammar, and blahblahblah, was correct. This is not a path for the weak, it showed me that it was a challenge for everyone.
And the finally, at exactly 6:17pm on Monday, December 13th, I was DONE! Done with classes for the semester, done with presentations, done with finals, and it was a relief. Like a Holy S*** I cant believe I made it though this crap type of relief!...and thus why I finally have time to blog, to breathe, to sleep - and its amazing! :)
So yes, this blog thing might have been a slightly bigger task than I imagined...and I apologize for not updating on a more regular basis (though I did think about it at times when I didn't want to write about something for class, but I restrained myself) - but...I don't think I am going to regret it. In fact, I hope that when I am stressed out at work one day...I will look at this and once again think the grass is greener on this side - and then realize that its not, its the same green grass with small brown spots that at times gets your heels dirty because it rained the night before and you never realized it. The same grass that is comfy at times and horribly itchy at others..the same space where you sit and contemplate what would my life be like if I wasn't doing this, and instead did that.....
So thank you to all those that followed my struggles, and video g-chatted with me, and talked on the phone, and emailed back and forth. I truly believe that continuously venting is better than bottling it all up. I also love knowing that I have people literally all over that are cheering me on...no matter how desperate my status (on facebook and in real life) is.
In 6 days or so, I will be home...and I will truly appreciate it because I needed it this time and probably every other time....because its always so nice to come home.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Mid-Term Check-In
Its amazing how fast 8 weeks can pass by - and before you know it - its only a mere month and a half till I plan to be sunning and sipping alcoholic beverages by a beautiful white sand beach (thank goodness my parents still live in Hawaii **wink**)....BUT to get there will be an accomplishment in of itself.
My month of November rivals and surpasses my month of October where I stressed to the point of dreaming about my stress! November = trip to SFO (a city I love) for my first graduate school communication conference, a mid-term, and two 25 page final papers for two of my seminars...sounds like fun doesn't it?!?
I think its around this time that I look back upon my decision to head back to school and sleepless nights. Everyone keeps saying that its good to take yourself out of a comfortable place to experience new things, and I am all about this, but I feel growing pains. Growing pains in the insecurities that question if I possess and can contribute to the scholarly world of academia. I am told that everyone goes through this, and since I have liberally taken time off of school between my undergraduate experience and this one, it will feel a little more like buyer's remorse on my esteem as I notice younger 20-something guys and gals producing super intelligent questions and discussions...and to this I agree. I keep reminding myself that it (grad school) had to be now - or I would have never taken the grad school plunge, and somehow secretly inside I entertain thoughts about going on for a PhD program....which will be determined at a much later point in my life...much after contemplation of how much more stress I want to place on these aging shoulders....
But as grim as it sounds - and for all those that I complain to - its something different...and well, I love different! It's another test to my ability to excel and grow individually - and I think that we all need to force ourselves to do that once in a while. And this is my once in a while....right now...testing me... as I read articles about socialization in colleges and analysis on interview styles and try to organize thoughts about what I find "fascinating" (i swear academia people love that word) and apply those to proposals for studies of research...
I hope one day I reflect back on this blog/journal/vent place - and laugh...this would be after I receive my degree of course!....and that high paying job I was promised ;)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a completely separate note - T-day festivities will be held at the apartment - and then shopping will commence on the day/night after in true Dale shopping fashion! I can't wait!
My month of November rivals and surpasses my month of October where I stressed to the point of dreaming about my stress! November = trip to SFO (a city I love) for my first graduate school communication conference, a mid-term, and two 25 page final papers for two of my seminars...sounds like fun doesn't it?!?
I think its around this time that I look back upon my decision to head back to school and sleepless nights. Everyone keeps saying that its good to take yourself out of a comfortable place to experience new things, and I am all about this, but I feel growing pains. Growing pains in the insecurities that question if I possess and can contribute to the scholarly world of academia. I am told that everyone goes through this, and since I have liberally taken time off of school between my undergraduate experience and this one, it will feel a little more like buyer's remorse on my esteem as I notice younger 20-something guys and gals producing super intelligent questions and discussions...and to this I agree. I keep reminding myself that it (grad school) had to be now - or I would have never taken the grad school plunge, and somehow secretly inside I entertain thoughts about going on for a PhD program....which will be determined at a much later point in my life...much after contemplation of how much more stress I want to place on these aging shoulders....
But as grim as it sounds - and for all those that I complain to - its something different...and well, I love different! It's another test to my ability to excel and grow individually - and I think that we all need to force ourselves to do that once in a while. And this is my once in a while....right now...testing me... as I read articles about socialization in colleges and analysis on interview styles and try to organize thoughts about what I find "fascinating" (i swear academia people love that word) and apply those to proposals for studies of research...
I hope one day I reflect back on this blog/journal/vent place - and laugh...this would be after I receive my degree of course!....and that high paying job I was promised ;)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a completely separate note - T-day festivities will be held at the apartment - and then shopping will commence on the day/night after in true Dale shopping fashion! I can't wait!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Limit- is there one? My head is too full!
I learned last week in my conversation analysis class that there is a limit to the amount of bad news a person can take. This is a researched fact. People just can't take much bad news. This gets me thinking if there is a maximum that a person can take when they are reading scholarly articles?
Currently, I am working on a paper for my intercultural communication class, which we have split up between myself and two other co-group members to wade through. My entire list consists of 22 or 23 articles each averaging 15 to 20 pages each. As I sit here blogging I am "taking a break" from reading, because even through I am not an avid reader in general - I at times enjoy a good read. BUT - is it bad that now, that reading is something that I do literally daily, via facebook, or emails, or currently knee deep in 70+ pages of heavy/dense scholarly reading, that I don't - like really don't want to do any reading on free time. My sentiment at the moment is a little something like "Bye bye Three Cups of Tea" and all the other books that I have sitting on my cool bookshelves that I haven't even touched or am in the middle of....ugh so tired of sitting here and reading....
Also, does the freshmen 15 happen for your first year of grad school as well? I know, poor grad student, but when you sit at your chair looking to the computer screen from 1-5:30pm without much physical exercise other than blinking your eyes and bathroom breaks, something has to slow down for the digestion thing right?!? I feel like I am getting fat - maybe its all the knowledge in my head weighing my down! HA! The scale doesn't lie, at times I think that boyfriend does...but that's just cuz he loves me :)
...better get back to my version of the grind! Tomorrow is Monday and while I used to dread Sunday's specifically because Monday meant going back to work - I gotta admit the sentiment rings true for Monday's in school....slow...groggy.....and not quite willing to think critically just yet - how far are we away from Friday again?????
wish me luck....paper due this week...and two more the next :) - bye bye social life...
Currently, I am working on a paper for my intercultural communication class, which we have split up between myself and two other co-group members to wade through. My entire list consists of 22 or 23 articles each averaging 15 to 20 pages each. As I sit here blogging I am "taking a break" from reading, because even through I am not an avid reader in general - I at times enjoy a good read. BUT - is it bad that now, that reading is something that I do literally daily, via facebook, or emails, or currently knee deep in 70+ pages of heavy/dense scholarly reading, that I don't - like really don't want to do any reading on free time. My sentiment at the moment is a little something like "Bye bye Three Cups of Tea" and all the other books that I have sitting on my cool bookshelves that I haven't even touched or am in the middle of....ugh so tired of sitting here and reading....
Also, does the freshmen 15 happen for your first year of grad school as well? I know, poor grad student, but when you sit at your chair looking to the computer screen from 1-5:30pm without much physical exercise other than blinking your eyes and bathroom breaks, something has to slow down for the digestion thing right?!? I feel like I am getting fat - maybe its all the knowledge in my head weighing my down! HA! The scale doesn't lie, at times I think that boyfriend does...but that's just cuz he loves me :)
...better get back to my version of the grind! Tomorrow is Monday and while I used to dread Sunday's specifically because Monday meant going back to work - I gotta admit the sentiment rings true for Monday's in school....slow...groggy.....and not quite willing to think critically just yet - how far are we away from Friday again?????
wish me luck....paper due this week...and two more the next :) - bye bye social life...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)