Since the start of grad school, the journey till the end and what that will mean for me has always been on my mind. I kind of miss the point and rarely stop to admire a sunset or smell a damn rose as much as I used to, but in this life, I don't always think that it offers time to do that. We are forced to make choices, decide on pre-planned paths, and figure out our futures way before we even get a taste of what that future might look and feel like. At the same time, I know that its always been like this...choose where you want to go to college, what do you want to major in, what do you want to do with that major, where do you want to work, etc. and yet, the notion of choosing my path has always been somewhat of a spontaneous decision, happening only after being shoved against a wall and literally forced to make a choice against a deadline that passed just moments ago. Is this the right way to live? Should I have my life planned, moment by moment? Even if the answer was yes to that, I don't honestly know how to do that.
Thankfully, this phenomenon doesn't solely rest in me. It seems to be penetrating everyone's life around me. Friends making relationship decisions - do I date him? will people judge me if I date him? do I want him to live with me?, job decisions, location decisions - all decisions that we are supposed to know how to make, before knowing the consequences. So we think...and ponder....and talk to people to get answers. But does this help or hurt the situation?
I think I find myself keeping more things about problems and successes secret in my life. Gone are the days where sharing grades on papers happened immediately after getting them and telling girlfriends the most intimate details of my love life. We are now separated by social judgement, socially constructed society expectations, space, and ironically time. In an age where everything happens almost instantly online, I find myself only looking for people going through the same thing via status updates and not taking the time to talk, but rather "liking" a status and mentally hoping for the best for myself and well as my fb friend. What does this mean? Where did the intimate-ness of connection get lost in the shuffle?
I know everyone has their own life, and sometimes, people and feelings get caught up in the complication of life, but I miss the coffee break time, the letters in the mail, the hours of phone conversations - specifically for fun and not only utilized in times of crisis. Its almost as if people don't care or don't have time or are too tired to talk about LIFE, and dreams and aspirations....its all about boys, problems with family/work/dumbpeople, and crisis - I miss the times when I used to make jewelry for prom at my house with my friends who would stop by after school daily just to "hang out."
I guess in the consumerist and democratic and elite-est society that we live in, this is ok. This is just another phase of life where I have to act like a big girl...and keep walking, stepping over failed bodies to get one step closer to the prize of success.
In a world where decisions have to be made months in advance, how are you even expected to savor the moment, when you have been preparing for the moment for months? The moment goes by even before it gets here, and now its just another day preparing for another decision. And maybe that's why savoring has turned into relief and relief is fleeting if only for a few seconds.
I can't change the entire world and I cant influence what people do. I know am only the master of my domain, meaning that I can't rely on people to agree with my decisions or opinions and I can't force people to make connections, face reality, or see what I see. I can only be here....present in my own world and for those that choose to be a part of it. I guess, in the end - we're all growing up, moving on, and doing the best we can do with decisions we made...maybe I wish that it was different.
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