I think I've hit a proverbial wall...

I knew that when I started this journey that I would be tested.  I knew that when I uprooted my life and moved 1500 miles away, it would be difficult to start anew and I knew this experience would at times bend me so far that I would feel like I wanted to break.  So then why is it so frustrating when I knew that all of this would happen?

When I left Western, one of my colleagues said that the first year of grad school they all tell you that you know nothing, and then in the second year they all tell you that you are brilliant....why does this feel so far away from the truth.  I feel like every semester I get under my belt, the worse I feel about my abilities as a student and the more I question my decision to "drop my life" and "try something new to better myself."  I am definitely not one to admit my intelligence, since I never really think I am the smartest person in the classroom, but I feel like for classmates its so easy....so easy to think beyond the box and develop evocative questions and comments that push the conversation forward and essentially move the discipline to another level.  Why am I not like them?

I know most people are thinking, "oh come on now, you are trying your best!"...but right now, the best isn't what is working for me.  I read, I write, I read some more, and I try to participate with the knowledge and experience I have....yet it all seems to be judged (in grades and comments) as not sufficient...makes me think, why did I decide to do this?  Why did I decide to voluntarily subject myself to criticism for projects, and papers, and plans of study.....why?

So yes, this is a venting and negative session.  A time, where I find myself figuratively hitting my head against a wall that I can't seem to break through.  I do this because I don't want to give up, and I do this because I want to prove that I can do this...despite what I feel like right now, right this instance.  But its a huge wall, that feels thick ,and while I hope that this feeling will pass, I don't know if it will....why do I always second guess my decisions regardless of them....why can I not feel confident in my choices regardless of what people think?  Why can I not be happy with what this choice has done for me....why am I being so negative recently?

Its been a rough couple of weeks, with eye opening realizations in a very realistic fashion.  I guess one of the benefits of this blog is the ability to get it "out" of me and onto something else where I can read and re-read it to eventually make sense of my own emotions.  We are studying embodied writing, where the writer incorporates analysis and layers accounts of what is actually happening in their own heads into the article...where the reader literally realizes what they are trying to say while they write on the page.  I know that I am not that good, but maybe, after some serious thought I too can look at this and analyze where I am in my journey and maybe even where I see myself going.  Gosh, I just wish that I knew where I was going and that it was going to be ok, that despite all the uncertainty and the rejection that I have felt recently for education that there is a light at the end of the tunnel....i think this is called growing pains....i don't know how else to label it...no scholarly language here....

Enough pessimism for now...try to look for the good, for the silver lining.  Time to try to refocus as the semester isn't over and we still got three of the hardest weeks ahead of me.  Time to re-frame my thoughts and come up with realistic expectations and STOP comparing myself to others...this is my journey....and no one else's.....leave it alone Dale....let the pieces fall where they land....don't allow yourself to be judged....breathe, cuz its gotta be alright...I got another year of this ish.....

I think we're all growing up...moving on....

Since the start of grad school, the journey till the end and what that will mean for me has always been on my mind.  I kind of miss the point and rarely stop to admire a sunset or smell a damn rose as much as I used to, but in this life, I don't always think that it offers time to do that.  We are forced to make choices, decide on pre-planned paths, and figure out our futures way before we even get a taste of what that future might look and feel like.  At the same time, I know that its always been like this...choose where you want to go to college, what do you want to major in, what do you want to do with that major, where do you want to work, etc. and yet, the notion of choosing my path has always been somewhat of a spontaneous decision, happening only after being shoved against a wall and literally forced to make a choice against a deadline that passed just moments ago.  Is this the right way to live?  Should I have my life planned, moment by moment?  Even if the answer was yes to that, I don't honestly know how to do that.

Thankfully, this phenomenon doesn't solely rest in me.  It seems to be penetrating everyone's life around me.  Friends making relationship decisions - do I date him? will people judge me if I date him? do I want him to live with me?, job decisions, location decisions - all decisions that we are supposed to know how to make, before knowing the consequences.  So we think...and ponder....and talk to people to get answers.  But does this help or hurt the situation?

I think I find myself keeping more things about problems and successes secret in my life.  Gone are the days where sharing grades on papers happened immediately after getting them and telling girlfriends the most intimate details of my love life.  We are now separated by social judgement, socially constructed society expectations, space, and ironically time.  In an age where everything happens almost instantly online, I find myself only looking for people going through the same thing via status updates and not taking the time to talk, but rather "liking" a status and mentally hoping for the best for myself and well as my fb friend.  What does this mean?  Where did the intimate-ness of connection get lost in the shuffle?

I know everyone has their own life, and sometimes, people and feelings get caught up in the complication of life, but I miss the coffee break time, the letters in the mail, the hours of phone conversations - specifically for fun and not only utilized in times of crisis.  Its almost as if people don't care or don't have time or are too tired to talk about LIFE, and dreams and aspirations....its all about boys, problems with family/work/dumbpeople, and crisis - I miss the times when I used to make jewelry for prom at my house with my friends who would stop by after school daily just to "hang out."

I guess in the consumerist and democratic and elite-est society that we live in, this is ok.  This is just another phase of life where I have to act like a big girl...and keep walking, stepping over failed bodies to get one step closer to the prize of success.

In a world where decisions have to be made months in advance, how are you even expected to savor the moment, when you have been preparing for the moment for months?  The moment goes by even before it gets here, and now its just another day preparing for another decision.  And maybe that's why savoring has turned into relief and relief is fleeting if only for a few seconds.

I can't change the entire world and I cant influence what people do.  I know am only the master of my domain, meaning that I can't rely on people to agree with my decisions or opinions and I can't force people to make connections, face reality, or see what I see.  I can only be here....present in my own world and for those that choose to be a part of it.  I guess, in the end - we're all growing up, moving on, and doing the best we can do with decisions we made...maybe I wish that it was different.