Its the end, and its been a year of transformation for a lot of people in my life. My father retired, a number of my students are getting ready to graduate in June, I left my job in Washington and moved to San Diego to pursue what I thought was going to be an easier life change, and my sister traveled around the world in a mere few months to finish up research for her PhD program....yes people 2010 has been a crazy year!
I was looking at this blog and realized that I only contributed one entry in this month, and felt and urgent need to add one more entry in before the new year and the craziness of another year starts....So to recap, I think I feel old. A number of my friends are getting married, or having kids, or buying actual houses, and the time that we used to have together consists of board games where we hope from square to square instead of hopping from bar to bar. Gosh how times have changed, 10pm is late, where 10pm used to be the time that we thought about going out and what to wear, and while we all cringe at the idea, the next year holds a 10 year high school reunion....yes its been 10 years!
Times are not as easy as I remember, I have bills now, and student loans to take care of. Yet, I feel like I have more power over my own life, making decisions that will inevitably choose one path or another. There are other things that I don't think I have power over, friends and family that are drifting away and moving in different directions and time and space creating gaps which were once filled with get-togethers, but I guess that is a fact of life, and as always there will be friends for the moment and friends that will always be there regardless of how often you keep in contact or how far away you are apart.
Change is the only constant, and if you are an optimist, change is always good. I like to think of myself as an optimist, so I am going to go with that. Change mixes things up and ultimately makes things more interesting. Here is a single shout out to all those that have helped me make this year a year of influential and dramatic change for myself as well as those close to me! I hope that you all will have a fantastic start to 2011 and that things will continue to change as it is all about the journey and not the destination!
Bye Bye 2010, Hello 2011!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I'm DONE, Oh my gosh - I am freakin DONE!
Its funny you know: when people told me that starting this blog, while a great idea, was absolutely ridiculous since they posited (my new favorite grad school word) I wouldn't have time to keep up with it. In true Dale fashion of course I scoffed in their faces!
...and yeah - a month and some change later (I would prefer not to be specific) I am writing my first blog for the month of December about the end of my first semester of grad school. Its amazing what a little perspective can do for ya!
So, to recap - its been probably one of the most challenging things I have ever done to date. Yes this beats getting over homesickness when I moved to WA and then to OR, and starting a new job(s) with a high learning curve, and it also beats the many break-ups that I have gone through in my life (even the one's I swore I would die from). This endeavor has tested me academically, mentally, and socially. And while I understand that eventually this will pay off, I also sympathize with the side of me that wonders why I decided to voluntarily put myself through academic hell in the hopes of opening my eyes to education again and advancing my life in some measurable way with those stupid two letters after my name. Its a tricky balance for someone to manage as they sit for hours in front of a computer and type and read and type and read.
The feelings of doubt started when I had a mental break down. Yeah. This happened early on the morning of Black Friday, and for those of you that know me, that was NOT the time to feel like curling in a ball and rocking back and forth like a person stuck in rehab. No, it was not the most opportune time to regret my decisions and wonder why any school accepted me in the first place. No, it was NOT the time to do this because I needed to be in a mall, standing in a line, to get something (I didn't know what at the time) for a damn good deal - not crying on the floor of a bedroom asking myself "why???". But as luck would have it, I was, on the floor wondering if I would even survive to the end of the quarter.
Thank goodness for boyfriends and hugs and promises of therapeutic shopping. Yes, he stayed up with me, and wiped the tears from my face, and promised me that if I wanted to, we could leave this place and start somewhere new. He promised me that I would be ok, and that even if it didn't seem like it now, that I would get everything done, on time, and he PROMISED that he would help. I still cried, and cried, and cried for about 2 straight hours, because that was all I could do. Sit motionless and let it all out. And then, like a good little shopper, I got up - took a shower, and had my lovely boyfriend convince me that shopping was actually going to make me feel better...so I obliged and got in our rental and shopped for the next 6 hours. This was truly retail therapy.
The next couple of weeks are a blur. Mostly sitting in our apartment, working on one paper or another, or in the library checking out books, or getting ready to present, submit, or meet with a group member, is all that made sense to me at the time. I learned to time manage in a different way....by setting higher goals and expecting more out of myself than I ever thought possible. I kept telling myself, write 10 pages today, get it down, then worry about editing it later....10 pages....then read...10 pages....and then you can take a nap. I admit that I was never a slacker during my undergraduate years, always trying to get things done early so I would have time to edit and perfect - but this experience wasn't exactly like that, and now I know otherwise. I don't think you are ever AHEAD in graduate school, I think that there's only ON-TIME in graduate school.
I also believe in the phrase misery loves company more than ever now. And as much as I hate to admit it, it was so nice to hear that others were having a hard time, it was so nice to notice that everyone had bags under their eyes, it was comforting to talk to people as literally EVERYONE stressed about getting things in on-time, not early, but submitting with 1 minute to spare, or printing things off right before walking into class hoping that APA, and grammar, and blahblahblah, was correct. This is not a path for the weak, it showed me that it was a challenge for everyone.
And the finally, at exactly 6:17pm on Monday, December 13th, I was DONE! Done with classes for the semester, done with presentations, done with finals, and it was a relief. Like a Holy S*** I cant believe I made it though this crap type of relief!...and thus why I finally have time to blog, to breathe, to sleep - and its amazing! :)
So yes, this blog thing might have been a slightly bigger task than I imagined...and I apologize for not updating on a more regular basis (though I did think about it at times when I didn't want to write about something for class, but I restrained myself) - but...I don't think I am going to regret it. In fact, I hope that when I am stressed out at work one day...I will look at this and once again think the grass is greener on this side - and then realize that its not, its the same green grass with small brown spots that at times gets your heels dirty because it rained the night before and you never realized it. The same grass that is comfy at times and horribly itchy at others..the same space where you sit and contemplate what would my life be like if I wasn't doing this, and instead did that.....
So thank you to all those that followed my struggles, and video g-chatted with me, and talked on the phone, and emailed back and forth. I truly believe that continuously venting is better than bottling it all up. I also love knowing that I have people literally all over that are cheering me on...no matter how desperate my status (on facebook and in real life) is.
In 6 days or so, I will be home...and I will truly appreciate it because I needed it this time and probably every other time....because its always so nice to come home.
...and yeah - a month and some change later (I would prefer not to be specific) I am writing my first blog for the month of December about the end of my first semester of grad school. Its amazing what a little perspective can do for ya!
So, to recap - its been probably one of the most challenging things I have ever done to date. Yes this beats getting over homesickness when I moved to WA and then to OR, and starting a new job(s) with a high learning curve, and it also beats the many break-ups that I have gone through in my life (even the one's I swore I would die from). This endeavor has tested me academically, mentally, and socially. And while I understand that eventually this will pay off, I also sympathize with the side of me that wonders why I decided to voluntarily put myself through academic hell in the hopes of opening my eyes to education again and advancing my life in some measurable way with those stupid two letters after my name. Its a tricky balance for someone to manage as they sit for hours in front of a computer and type and read and type and read.
The feelings of doubt started when I had a mental break down. Yeah. This happened early on the morning of Black Friday, and for those of you that know me, that was NOT the time to feel like curling in a ball and rocking back and forth like a person stuck in rehab. No, it was not the most opportune time to regret my decisions and wonder why any school accepted me in the first place. No, it was NOT the time to do this because I needed to be in a mall, standing in a line, to get something (I didn't know what at the time) for a damn good deal - not crying on the floor of a bedroom asking myself "why???". But as luck would have it, I was, on the floor wondering if I would even survive to the end of the quarter.
Thank goodness for boyfriends and hugs and promises of therapeutic shopping. Yes, he stayed up with me, and wiped the tears from my face, and promised me that if I wanted to, we could leave this place and start somewhere new. He promised me that I would be ok, and that even if it didn't seem like it now, that I would get everything done, on time, and he PROMISED that he would help. I still cried, and cried, and cried for about 2 straight hours, because that was all I could do. Sit motionless and let it all out. And then, like a good little shopper, I got up - took a shower, and had my lovely boyfriend convince me that shopping was actually going to make me feel better...so I obliged and got in our rental and shopped for the next 6 hours. This was truly retail therapy.
The next couple of weeks are a blur. Mostly sitting in our apartment, working on one paper or another, or in the library checking out books, or getting ready to present, submit, or meet with a group member, is all that made sense to me at the time. I learned to time manage in a different way....by setting higher goals and expecting more out of myself than I ever thought possible. I kept telling myself, write 10 pages today, get it down, then worry about editing it later....10 pages....then read...10 pages....and then you can take a nap. I admit that I was never a slacker during my undergraduate years, always trying to get things done early so I would have time to edit and perfect - but this experience wasn't exactly like that, and now I know otherwise. I don't think you are ever AHEAD in graduate school, I think that there's only ON-TIME in graduate school.
I also believe in the phrase misery loves company more than ever now. And as much as I hate to admit it, it was so nice to hear that others were having a hard time, it was so nice to notice that everyone had bags under their eyes, it was comforting to talk to people as literally EVERYONE stressed about getting things in on-time, not early, but submitting with 1 minute to spare, or printing things off right before walking into class hoping that APA, and grammar, and blahblahblah, was correct. This is not a path for the weak, it showed me that it was a challenge for everyone.
And the finally, at exactly 6:17pm on Monday, December 13th, I was DONE! Done with classes for the semester, done with presentations, done with finals, and it was a relief. Like a Holy S*** I cant believe I made it though this crap type of relief!...and thus why I finally have time to blog, to breathe, to sleep - and its amazing! :)
So yes, this blog thing might have been a slightly bigger task than I imagined...and I apologize for not updating on a more regular basis (though I did think about it at times when I didn't want to write about something for class, but I restrained myself) - but...I don't think I am going to regret it. In fact, I hope that when I am stressed out at work one day...I will look at this and once again think the grass is greener on this side - and then realize that its not, its the same green grass with small brown spots that at times gets your heels dirty because it rained the night before and you never realized it. The same grass that is comfy at times and horribly itchy at others..the same space where you sit and contemplate what would my life be like if I wasn't doing this, and instead did that.....
So thank you to all those that followed my struggles, and video g-chatted with me, and talked on the phone, and emailed back and forth. I truly believe that continuously venting is better than bottling it all up. I also love knowing that I have people literally all over that are cheering me on...no matter how desperate my status (on facebook and in real life) is.
In 6 days or so, I will be home...and I will truly appreciate it because I needed it this time and probably every other time....because its always so nice to come home.
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